Put Some Clothes On Slut.

It's light out. Sade can't sleep. She wonders if she should get up, or would that wake Carter? If she did get up, what would she do? There's not much you can do when there's a snoring teenage boy splurged across the bed. Maybe it's best to stay in bed, she thinks. If she leaves, there's a chance Carter will steal her spot, what little spot she has. She decides to stay in bed. Maybe she will fall asleep again, she doubts it. If she sleeps, will the nightmares come to greet her once again? Or this time will she simply be unconscious? 

After hours of day dreaming and trying not to fall asleep Sade is faced with Carter waking up, breathing everywhere. Carter always has smelly breath in the mornings, though, doesn't everyone? Carter does not like to be touched in his sleep, waking up counts as sleep. With Carter in a haze this gives Sade a chance to actually stretch. Stretching has been in order for hours now and it feels good to finally have some space to do it. Her bones crack. As painful as it sounds, the stretch was equivalent to an orgasm. One of which Sade hasn't felt in months. 

They share a double bed that is based on the wall where just on the other side, Carter's 14 year old sister sleeps. Why Carter doesn't change his room around is beyond Sade. It's how his father left it before he left them. His father has kids and a girlfriend in the States and left Carter and Carter's sister with his grandmother. Carter inevitably has 'daddy issues' as they call it. All of the normal fixtures are set how his father left them and that's how they will stay. Right next to his sisters bedroom. The walls are as thin as rice paper, you can practically hear his sister breathing through the wall.

Sade logs into My-book every morning to check her messages and notifications. To her surprise, no hate mail. She thinks to herself that maybe, just maybe, there's a chance that she will be left alone for the day. Wrong. Little does Sade know J&C (Jameson and carlie) are riding to her house now on their long wait for her to walk outside. They're up to no good. Sade is clueless to this. But as long as they aren't online leaving anonymous comments on her blog or on her My-book, she is happy. For now.

Carter is showering, she knows because she can hear the bird call noises he makes when he gets into the shower. This means Sade can make as much toast as she can without Carter noticing that she is stress eating. The reason she is stress eating this morning is because J and C are not online, which means they're bound to pop up somewhere today and do something far worse. The other week they weren't online and she found herself being thrown into a shopping trolley and pushed into the shit infested pond in the middle of town. She cried for the rest of the week, it took two days for the smell of the pond to leave her hair and body. Her eyes were sore for four after. The attacks were getting worse. The only reason it seems that they hate her is because she writes a blog. They don't like things that they don't understand. She is the only known blogger in town. Sometimes she wonders if she should stop, yet she knows that the terror and pain they put her through does not compare to the relief that comes to her when blogging. She is a writer. It's how she calms her panic attacks. 

Today is the start of her new diet. She tries one at least every fortnight and they always fail. She is going walking this morning to walk off the eight pieces of peanut butter toast she ingested this morning. She has an off outlook on what dieting should be. Walking around the block and to the park will not make up for the amount of food she just ate. She walks anyway. Collecting pace, re-adjusting the sound on her Ipod. She senses someone watching her, maybe even behind her. Yes, there's someone behind her. Does she look? She thinks that maybe she is being silly. There's no one behind her, she just left, she would have seen them when leaving the house. But what's this strange feeling. Yes there's someone behind her. But too late. They have thrown a potato sack over her head. She is being held down. She feels scissors on her body. Her clothes losing elasticity. She hears a car in the next street with thumping music. She feels the breeze on her naked body. Her naked body?! She's naked! Her clothes have been cut off. They're in pieces around her! She unties the potato sack that was forced around her head and looks at the damage. The words ugly and fat written in permanent pen marker on her naked body. Her clothes cut off, nothing left of them. The car she heard in the next street is entering the street where she lays naked and defenseless. Teenage boys with excessively loud music ride past in their crappy cars but key to freedom. She sees the look on their faces, laughing and screaming, "Put some clothes on slut". They were not the people who did this to her. She knows who did this. She knows. 

Water line.

Sade doesn't talk much. She likes being left alone and when she does want to be social she converses and messes about with Carter - he is her safe haven. She does most of her talking through her blog. She can say what ever she wants and look at pretty things on the internet. When she is in need of someone other then Carter, Emily is her go to girl. 

Though Emily is her best friend, she doesn't know of the attacks taken place by J and C. Sade is too embarrassed to tell anyone what happens to her, she keeps it hidden away in her awareness of the fact that it's going to happen again. Because she is a freak. And Freaks get what they deserve. The words given to Sade by J and C personally. 

Emily being a tattooist helps Sade in a way that she can never understand. The feeling of the needle entering and exiting her skin help her forget and make the pain of her past subside for the duration of the session. Sade would never share that though. Sometimes things are better left un said. She would rather have Emily as a friend for who she sees and not the pity that would arise if she knew the truth. Emily is better left in the dark on these omens that Sade carries. Better left unsaid.

She understands that she is fat, slutty, freakish, ugly and everything else they can spit into her face through anonymous comments. She wishes they would understand that she isn't just all of those things. She believes in her soul that no matter what she looks like on the outside, her heart and recognition for others shines brighter than her grotesque shell.

The day becomes weak after the attack. She rushed into the room without Carter noticing her naked, jumping around in tears. She puts clothes on and enters the bathroom. Before she can close the door and let herself cry, Carter announces he is leaving for work. With a kiss barley touching her lips, he is gone. Off into the world. No one dared mess with Carter. He was too confident in a sense that he made friends so easily. And women loved him. 

She runs a hot bath, deep like the ocean. Their bath is wide, wide enough for her to lose herself. Drowning was once attempted in this bath. This bath tub carries most of her pity and shame. She uses knives in this bath. She tries to remove her shell of fat. Disgraceful, ugly, disgusting cuts on her soft, tanned skin. She wants to drown but her body is strong, it overtakes the mind as an instinctive mechanism. It wont let her down. She wants to stay down but the elements of something else, something different; pure and untainted; loving but restrictive is holding her up. Like a mother holding her baby at bath time, never letting it slip too far below water line. The day is hers, to experiment the patience of this element. To die one hundred times before nature takes it's course to bring her body back to the surface, over and over again. Until she is alone no more and familiar faces flood the house like the water floods her lungs.

Sympathy.

Sade is woken up by the sound of the front door slam to a close. Everything is a haze. She is still in the bathtub which is now red in color but still thin, as if someone poured red food dye into it. She knows it isn't food dye though. The water is as cold as ice, she is pruned and weak. The slam of the door was Carter, she knows that for sure. This means she needs to get up quick smart and drain her blood from the bath tub and clean herself up before he see's. She knows that if he found out, it would end in tears and sympathy. She does not want that. This sympathy word is ugly to her. It destroys her. 

She drained the bath tub but there's still a red-ish tint to the left over water. She needs to run the bath again without making too much sound. She turns the handle to the bath tub, just a little too much. But just enough for Carter to hear and knock on the door. "You taking a bath again today?" He shouts from the other end of the wooden door. The slab of wood that's saving her from sympathy. "Ah, yes babe, wait on, I'll just be a minute". She says. Shaky but believable. 

There, all evidence gone, except for the slashes on her legs and belly. That's okay though. They never have sex anyway. He barely even touches her. She thinks that maybe it's because of her weight. Maybe if she cuts the fat off of her skin, he will love her. Maybe, just a little bit. She just wants a little bit of love. Maybe a kiss once in a while. She is trapped. She loves him, but does he love her? Is he just biting his tongue until she finds a place to live? Here's the word again, sympathy. Does he feel some sort of sympathetic pity for her that he pretends to still want to be in a relationship for her? 

Does he? 

Ditched and Drained.

And she knows it. She knows he does not want to be with her. His distant association towards her makes her sick. She feels the sympathy. It's not a loving sympathy though. No. It's not even a friendship based sympathy. It's something else, and it's not good. It's sickening. He is disrespectful toward her when she is just trying to do her best. She loves him but the feeling of loving someone who doesn't love you back makes her sick. It makes her sick. It makes her really, really sick. 

She remembers a time when he and his friends invited her to have 'mad hangs' which is what they call going out and getting drunk. She was exited because it was her being included in something. Something where maybe someone else wanted her around too. They set off to go and get alcohol and Carter promised he would be back within the hour. He looked so genuine as he walked away from her. 

Two and a half hours passed when she asked his little sister to make a call for her, to see if everything was okay, to see if Carter was returning. Carter answered and said he was 15 minutes away at a shop just a few blocks away. And as the third hour came to a close another call. Carter then said that they were in another suburb. More than one hour's walk from where home was. 

Carter had been drinking, that much was clear. He was carefree of what Sade had to say to him, of what anyone had to say to him. He was acting cheeky, sly, rude, hurtful. He didn't care though, because with his ego and alcohol, nothing breaks through. Even on this level he could not feel the usual 'sympathy' as he usually does for Sade. Which is a good thing, sympathy is poison. 

So Sade had been ditched. Hurt and drained from the day she had just endured on top of the wait she sat. Sat and tried to figure out what to do. Was this fair? Was he really lying to her or was he telling her the truth? Either way, I don't have an answer for you all tonight, but what I can tell you is, Sade went to sleep that night, broken and shallow hearted. She sobbed herself to sleep and what happened that night when the drunken boys came home is to be continued...